As the year dies, the gift of life

A new month but a strange one in a way, definitely out of autumn but not really into the depths of winter.

It’s a liminal time, neither one thing nor the other.

In the northern hemisphere, we notice signs of death around us. Leaves change colour and fall, plants wither in the first frosts, the last orchard fruits disappear.

Perhaps not surprising then that November 1st is traditionally considered a day when the barriers between the living and the dead are thin and shifting and when doorways between the physical and non-physical worlds can open. Many cultures around the world believe that the souls of those we love can return at this time.

Perhaps the most famous is Mexico’s Día de los Muertos, a colourful and joyous festival which families use as an opportunity to come together to remember and celebrate the dead.

During the festival, children are given sweets shaped like human skulls – perhaps in the hope that it’s difficult to be afraid of death when its representation is associated with the blissful taste of melting sugar! They also see adults putting out special toys for departed souls to play with and little clay figures showing the dead in physical activities. It’s deliberately not scary.

In some ways, our Hallowe’en is becoming similar – the sweets and frivolity of Trick and Treat replacing what was once a solemn Christian festival. Hallowe’en was the evening before All Hallows’ Day on November 1st, the day of remembrance for all the saints. After the Reformation in the 16th century, this gradually changed to commemorating all those who had died, not just saints, but the day was still recognised by church-going and prayers rather than exuberant celebration.

Undas in the Philippines is another remembrance festival that brings the family together, often to visit the graves of loved ones with, again, food and flowers. At home, they light a candle for each loved one to be remembered. Children are encouraged to roll melted wax from the candles into a ball, a symbol that everything goes back to where it began.

The Samhain festival is a Celtic one from the pre-Roman era. Although no written details exist from the time, Old Irish literature from the 10th century says it was, among other things, a time to honour the dead. A place was set at the table for the souls of dead relatives who might return for the day and, you’ve guessed it, food and drink laid out to welcome or appease them. Again, traditionally, it’s observed on November 1st.

All of these festivals, and there are many others around the world, remind us that we can find happy ways to remember those we’ve lost. It doesn’t have to be a big celebration or one that involves other people. In a secular world, we may no longer believe that the souls of the departed visit once a year but we can still enjoy their favourite meal, listen to a much-loved piece of music, visit a meaningful place. These acts of remembrance are bitter-sweet – a reminder of what we’ve lost but also an assurance that those memories can never be taken away.

When we remember, we give our loved ones a different life, whatever the time of year

A ribbon to tie up your memories

Some of the bereaved families I speak with are quite confused when I ask if they would like the funeral ceremony to be a celebration of life.

I think they imagine I’m suggesting we have dancing in the aisles (I have done that!) and balloons (done that too!).

But even a more traditional funeral can include touches that truly celebrate the life of the person who has gone.

Take this ribbon, for example, already chosen by the family before I met them. The colour was the favourite of the person we were honouring and it’s perhaps no coincidence that it matched his sunny nature as well. His name was printed on each one.

But it’s the words that are particularly meaningful.

‘Laugh a lot, sing often, keep smiling’.

The family could have chosen any words. But the tributes given during the ceremony spoke about how he brought laughter to those around him and how he loved to sing along to his favourite pop tunes.

The words also recognise his concern, in his last days, that those he loved should continue to have happy lives, even without him.

Simple words but chosen with meaning and love.

A ribbon was given to each mourner, with a pin, before the ceremony began so that they had time to reflect and to pin it over their heart before walking into the chapel.

Wearing this symbol of remembrance united everyone in their loss at a time when coming together and supporting each other is of the greatest importance.

It also served as a reminder that a life lived well is something to celebrate, even as we mourn the fact that it is over.

I was privileged to wear one of the ribbons myself and it is now fastened to a board in my office. It’s a constant visual reminder of a lovely man who is missed more than words can say but who will never be forgotten by the people who shared his life.

If you would like to arrange a similar way to celebrate a life, contact me or search for ‘Awareness Ribbons’ online. Companies offer a range of colours and you can choose the words that have a unique meaning for you and your loved one.

Susan Flipping


Twitter: @KentCeremonies

What’s in a name?

This is a version of an article I co-wrote for the online magazine, Farewells ( It explains why I’m so proud to be part of the professional organisation that is setting the national standards for funeral celebrants.

At the beginning of a new year, it can be tempting to think about a bit of a re-brand. If ‘a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’, what about a name change just to shake things up?

It can work. Perhaps you’ve never heard of Jerry’s Guide to the World Wide Web. But I bet you’ve heard of Yahoo, which is what it changed its name to in 1995.

On the other hand, look at the big brands that took a tumble when they tried a name change. The Royal Mail famously became Consignia in 2001 – and just as famously quietly went back to the old name just 12 months later.

For businesses in the funeral sector, their name is their reputation. Many funeral directors have a lineage stretching back several generations and it’s why, even though hundreds of them are now (often quite surreptitiously) in the hands of national chains, they’ve kept the name that local people know and respect.

It’s also why the organisation of which I’m a member – the oldest celebrant organisation in the UK and the only one dedicated to funerals – is proudly staying with the name The Institute of Civil Funerals (IoCF), despite briefly considering a change in 2020.

It is a name that says everything about its reputation.

The Institute of Civil Funerals is unique because only one organisation in any industry can have the right to be an Institute and the name comes with the responsibility of being a ‘professional body of the highest standing’. It is a protected term at Companies House and any other celebrant organisation using the term does so illegitimately.

An Institute also has to demonstrate that its activities are regulated and that it is committed to supporting training.

It means every IoCF member, like me, has already achieved the highest celebrancy qualification and is committed to helping families create the best possible funeral ceremonies for their loved ones – or even for themselves.

What would a ‘good’ celebrant mean for you?

A survey was published in September 2019 called ‘Funeral Experts by experience: what matters to them’ by Dr Julie Rugg, from the University of York and Dr Sarah Jones, from Full Circle Funerals. They interviewed people who had arranged a funeral to find out their experiences – including the use of a celebrant.

Some respondents spoke positively about celebrants who created a truly personal service, who worked closely with all family members and made suggestions that were appropriate for the deceased and the family. Unfortunately, there were others who remembered that the celebrant had got names and even genders wrong, who failed to consult or guide the family and who left them feeling as though they were on a conveyor belt.

Shocking, isn’t it?

IoCF is keen to set the bar high for its members because we believe that no family should have a poor experience arranging a funeral. That’s really kicking someone when they’re down.

‘The ‘Funeral Experts by experience’ survey shows what people want from a celebrant; sadly it also confirms that some celebrants just don’t meet the mark.

Until the time that funeral celebrants are regulated – and sadly, I think we’re a long way off that – families need an organisation like the IoCF.

They can be confident that every member on the IoCF website has already proved themselves as a fully qualified and professional celebrant and is regularly peer reviewed to ensure they stay that way.

They can be confident telling their funeral director that only an IoCF celebrant will do to help them with the overwhelmingly important task of arranging the final event in the life of their loved one.

For IoCF, it’s important to have not just a recognisable ‘brand’ but also to have integrity with the business name.

Change doesn’t always smell sweeter.